


Blackmail Bonus Excerpt

by Marvelite5Ever



Series: Blackmail [2]
Category: Cable and Deadpool, Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 04:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5854036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvelite5Ever/pseuds/Marvelite5Ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool tells Nathan a story involving a butterfly knife, a watermelon, Latin music, and the Egyptian god Osiris.</p><p>(Bonus scene from <i>Blackmail</i> that just didn't fit there. However, it is not necessary to read <i>Blackmail</i> to enjoy this fic.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blackmail Bonus Excerpt

**Author's Note:**

> The only context you need to know for this fic is that Wade and Nathan are sparring.

* * *

**“So, Nate. Did I ever tell you about the time I kicked the ass of the Egyptian God of the Afterlife, the Dead, and the Underworld with a butterfly knife and a watermelon, to a Latin music soundtrack?”**

“I don't believe you've told me that one.” 

**“Then I'll tell you! So, you know how my healing factor goes through various phases of reliability? It all depends on the writer, really. But like, sometimes my healing factor goes on a spritz and I heal kinda slow, and sometimes I heal fast but I can still die for a short time when you stab my heart or shoot me in the head or I lose too much blood, but then there are these other times when I literally _can't die._ Like, at all. **

**“I just keep talking and fighting even when you cut my head off or I've lost four limbs or I have a sword through my heart or whatever. Basically the only thing that kills me during those times is getting all my atoms blown up, y'know?”**

“Not really.” 

**“You're not missing out on too much—healing from that shit makes you feel all weird and tingly, and everything tickles for like twenty minutes afterwards—there's a breeze and you fall on the ground laughing your ass off!**

**“Anyway, so it was during one of these times when I couldn't die, and I was missing my girl Death, so I thought I'd drop by one of those temples dedicated to one of those entities of Death, right?”**

“You have a close relationship with Death, I take it.” 

**“You bet! Close as you and Domino! Except without all the fighting and arguments over you breaking whatever you try to fix that you and Dom specialize at. Death's real cool, man—she doesn't give me shit when I fuck shit up. And the _rack_ she has, like _damn!”_**

“Of course.” 

**“I mean, you're sexy as hell an' all that, Natey, but boobs are awesome.”**

“You're preaching to the choir, Wade.” 

**“Heh. Y'know, I bet in another universe I'm a femme fatale, and I bet it's awesome. I bet I'd make a really sexy member of the fairer sex!”**

“I'm sure you would, Wade.” 

**“Anyways, where was I? I decided to drop by one of those temples that worship Death, and I just so happened to be in Egypt at the time—there was this mission and an evil dictator of a company that was trying to take over Egypt and then the world using magical artifacts, really boring stuff that you hear about every day—so I figured I'd drop by the temple to Osiris and see if I could ask him to give a message to Death. Cuz Osiris may be a God of the Dead, but he's not _Death,_ he just kinda rules the Egyptian afterlife, which is way more boring than the Asgardian afterlife. Valhalla is nothin' but a _party_ for all of eternity! And Hela is pretty hot, too.” **

“I'm starting to sense that you have a type.” 

**“Deadly badasses with way too much responsibility? Don't worry, Nate, you fit the bill. Osiris doesn't, though—he's actually pretty lame. Anubis is way cooler—I mean, the dude's got a _jackal head_ for fuck's sake! That's just _awesome_. And forget Osiris, his wife _Isis_ is the real badass in their relationship. Osiris would've just been a dead guy chopped into little pieces if not for her mummifying him and stuff.” **

“I didn't know you knew so much about Egyptian deities.” 

**“It's not like I _researched_ them or anythin'—but you get to know stuff about people when after you run into them a few times, y'know? I mean there's also Hades and Thanatos and their Roman counterparts. And man, the Greek and Roman deities are messed _up,_ man! And Hercules has a giant stick up his ass! Can you _believe_ that the guy was once part of the Avengers?! They won't accept _my_ application, but they'll accept jerks like _Hercules_ and _Wolverine!_ ”**

“Did you write your application in crayon, by any chance?” 

**“Don't hate—that red crayon is the only writing utensil that stays in my pouches, and it has served me well over the years!**

**“But anyway—so I went to Osiris's temple, right? But his priests were just like, 'No, you can't talk to him unless you make him a sacrifice,' and I was pretty sure that the Egyptians think cows are holy, but I couldn't remember if that meant that they liked it when cows are sacrificed or not, and there was no way I was gonna go find a cow anyway—cows are fucking _terrifying!_ They just stand there and _stare_ at you—and it's all they do! So instead I just suggested that I could sacrifice one of the priests—”**

“Please tell me you didn't.” 

**“Nah, apparently gods don't like it when their priests are killed (says the priests—but what if there's a really, really _bad_ priest?), so I had to go find something else to sacrifice, so I went out to find something, right? And there was like this open-air market, so I bought a watermelon and brought it back to the temple.” **

“You sacrificed a _watermelon_ to the Egyptian God of the Dead?” 

**“Hey, the watermelon had stripes on the outside, and red flesh on the inside—I figured it was about the equivalent of sacrificing a zebra, except without all the hassle! Zebras are _evil_ creatures, I tell ya. Evil, evil creatures. But not as evil as squirrels—squirrels are the _personification_ of evil, right after the Red Skull.”**

“Your dislike for squirrels wouldn't have anything to do with Squirrel Girl, would it?” 

**“Squirrel Girl is planning a nefarious plot to use her army of squirrels to take over the world! And when she does, I will tell you that I told you so!”**

“I doubt it. But please, continue with your story.” 

**“Right. So I brought this watermelon to the temple, right? But priests were just like, 'No, you can't sacrifice that,' and I was just like, 'Why the hell not? You said to bring a nice, juicy sacrifice, so here it is!' And then these Egyptian priests ripped their robes off—not like _that!_ —because they had these beige ninja outfits on underneath—seriously, the priests were Egyptian _ninjas!_ ” **

“Ninja. Really.” 

**“ _Ninjas!_ And yes! Don't you know _anything,_ Nate? It's _always_ ninjas!”**

“Actually, the correct plural of 'ninja' is just 'ninja.'” 

**“You've been hanging out too much with the X-Men and that kid Prodigy! Geez! _Ninjas_ sounds _way_ more plural. Nobody gives a shit if you fight _ninja_ —but if you fight _ninjas_ and get out alive, _then_ people are impressed! So there were all these Egyptian _ninjas_ , and I was fighting them with only one sword cuz I was still holding the watermelon with one arm, and it turned out that Osiris _does_ show up when you sacrifice his priests!”**

“Wade...” 

**“What? They were just _ninjas_. Nobody was gonna miss 'em! And they attacked me _first,_ so really, it was just self-defense!**

**“Anyways, so then Osiris appears, and he looks kinda like Anton Krutch, except with green skin instead of blue, and along with the white robes he's got this funny white hat that looks like a bowling pin but with two large ostrich feathers on either side—and Osiris was definitely not the one to acquire those ostrich feathers, because ostriches are _deadly_ —it was probably his wife that got them—and he also had the hook and flail and whatever, which don't really seem to serve a purpose aside from being symbolic, and he had this _awful_ beard that all that hung off his chin, and it was _not_ a good look, let me tell you, I mean it looked like you could just grab him by his beard and swing him around by it—and so Osiris just starts yelling at me, right? And I'm just like, 'Hey, can you contact Death and tell her to call me?' and he gets really pissy and then brings the ninjas back to life and it turns out that their beige ninja outfits were actually mummy wrappings cuz they're all _dead_ , and they were _already_ dead before I killed them—so ha, you can't get mad at me—anyways, and then he gets all these _other_ Egyptian mummy ninjas to crawl out of the stonework. So what does a guy armed only with a sword and a watermelon do in such a situation?” **

“Usually you have more weapons on you than that.” 

**“Well, I did, but I only have two hands! So I ran away, of course.”**

“You ran away?” 

**“Hey, _I'm_ not the one with the ego problems that won't allow me to run away from a fight! That's _you_ , Priscilla. Of _course_ I ran away! I needed to get my epic watermelon cannon!” **

“…You had a watermelon canon.” 

**“I stole it from a circus! I think it was actually made for shooting clowns out—clowns are evil! Below the Red Skull, but above squirrels! Which makes them _really fucking evil_ , probably on par with _mimes_ —but the cannon worked just fine for watermelons, too—especially after I painted it with green stripes. So I grab my watermelon cannon, and loaded it with the watermelon, and then I set it on a roof and went back down to meet the Egyptian mummy ninjas that were chasing me, right?”**

“You managed to do all that before these mummy ninja caught up with you?” 

**“Dude, have you ever encountered mummies? They don't make good ninjas—they're dead, and so they do that shuffling thing, y'know? They're not very fast—I should've _known_ they weren't real ninjas when I first killed them—but anyways, they're like zombies, right? Except less disgusting and they don't eat brains, and they wear off-white toilet paper wrapped around their bodies. **

**“So, I went down to confront the Egyptian mummy ninjas, but in order to keep the watermelon canon from rolling off the roof I had to use my swords to keep it in place, and I didn't have my grenades with me, so all I had was the butterfly knife I keep concealed on my person, and I suddenly had the urge to sing the Ricky Martin song “Livin' La Vida Loca” cuz it kinda reminds me of Death, right? So I start singing while fighting these Egyptian ninja mummies, and they really don't seem to like Latin music, which was really a shame. Have you ever danced to Latin music, Nate?”**

“I have not.” 

**“You're missing out, Mr. Grumpy Cat from the future! Remind me to teach you the Salsa later, kay? Although, actually, you seem more like a Tango kinda guy—Salsa's really upbeat and bouncy, but the Tango is pretty somber and dramatic, but you can add a lotta flair to it, and the girl's part is _really_ fun. The girls always get the best roles in partner dances—don't let anyone tell you different! And remind me to teach you the Tango later, kay? You've got the perfect facial expressions for it, seriously. All grim and—yeah, just like that! You're gonna be a natural!”**

“Mm.” 

**“No, really! Trust me, I have an eye for these things! Anyways, so I'm stabbing these mummies with this little butterfly knife, right? And I know all these tricks so I'm flipping it around and they can't even see it, but they're mummies, and they're dead, and they don't feel pain, and you can't really hack off body parts with the little butterfly knife, so I'm starting to think I'm screwed, right?**

**“But then I have a total Lightbulb Moment, when I realize, hey, these Egyptian ninja mummies are wrapped up in all these long strips of cloth that are kinda hanging loose a little bit, and it kinda reminds me of shoelaces, right? And you know what butterfly knives are _really_ good for? Fancy precision cuts. So I flip the knife around while I'm also flipping around—dead guys are no good at acrobatics, seriously—and the mummies literally have no idea what's going on until they all crash into a tangled heap, cuz I've cut their mummy wrappings and unraveled them enough to tie them all together, as if I'd tied their shoelaces together, except better, cuz it's not just their feet—it's their legs and their arms and their heads, too. **

**“So with all the Egyptian mummy ninjas taken care of, I kinda trail off singing—I was singing that entire time, by the way—and then I realize that the reason I had such an irresistible urge to sing the song was cuz there was a live Latin band playing in the temple!”**

“Really. A live Latin band playing in a temple in Egypt that's dedicated to the worship of Osiris.” 

**“I know, right?! Seriously, I turn around and there's this Latin band there, and there's this really, really hot lady dancing there in this long, flowing skirt, so of course I bow and offer her my hand and ask if I can have this dance, and the band starts playing Shakira, so I'm dancing with this beautiful lady who, when I look back at her is actually _Death!_ And Death is really, _really_ good at dancing—I mean _really_ good at dancing—and I'm really suave, like, 'What brings such a fine lady as you into the middle of the Egyptian desert?' and she just leans in and whispers really close to my hear, her voice all sexy—**

**“Aww, Nate, that expression you're wearing! Are you _jealous?”_**

“Could you blame me if I was?” 

**“Aww, don't worry, Priscilla, I'll teach you the Tango later—I'm sure you'll be really good dancer too once you learn!**

**“Anyways, so she leans in close, and she whispers in her super-sexy voice: 'Look behind you.'**

**“So I turn, and there's Osiris, and he's looking _super_ pissed, and he lunges at me with one of the big, clunky swords that the Egyptian mummy ninjas had been using, but I step aside, so instead of impaling me through the chest, his sword goes right by my hip—and the music stops, and the Latin band disappears.” **

“What?” 

**“See, it turns out that the Latin band was just Pool-O-Vision—I have mentioned that I hallucinate sometimes, right? So it turns out there wasn't a Latin band—that was only in my mind—the music had been coming from a portable radio I'd been carrying around on my hip and that had been tuned in to a Latin channel.”**

“You've forgotten about the watermelon cannon.” 

**“Patience, Nate! I'm almost there! You can't rush my awesomeness!**

**“So Osiris stabs my portable radio, right? And I'd set up that watermelon cannon on a roof across the street, and obviously since I can't be in two different places at once I had to make the watermelon cannon triggered to go off remotely, and it just so happened that all my pouches were filled with all these stolen ancient Egyptian artifacts—”**

“You stole ancient Egyptian artifacts?” 

**“Uh, yeah—I told you earlier about my mission to keep this evil corporation from using the artifacts to take over the world, didn't I?**

**“Anyways, so my pouches were filled with all this artifact shit, so I couldn't keep the remote trigger to the cannon in my pouches, and had stuck it inside the portable radio.**

**“And when Osiris destroyed the radio, he hit the trigger, but he didn't know it. But I _did,_ so I dived out of the way, and Osiris got hit in the chest with the high-velocity watermelon, and there was this _huge_ explosion—”**

“Wait, why was there a huge explosion?” 

**“Cuz I'd stuffed the watermelon full of all my grenades, duh! So Osiris blew up, and his mummy ninjas turned to dust and blew away, and then it was just me, Death, and some crazy ancient Egyptian artifacts.**

**“And Death just kinda waltzed over and told me what a splendid job I'd done, and I was just like, it was no problem, sweetcheeks, and then she led me back inside the temple, where there were these special slots behind the altar for these magical relics that were made to keep the Egyptian Gods from coming to the mortal plane and wreaking havoc—remember that evil dictator guy I'd been hired to take out? Well, he'd stolen these artifacts and was going to use them to bring the Egyptian gods to this plane to aid him in taking over the world—what a stupid idiot, right? The gods would'a just killed the guy for his trouble, and taken over the world themselves.**

**“Anyways, so I put the relics back where they belonged in the special, magical alter that locked that door between the two planes of reality, and my job was completed and the world was safe. Da da da da da!**

**“And then Death and I had a hot make out session before she had to leave. And I reported to my hirer and got paid the rest of my considerable amount of money. Ah, it was a good day...”**

“You're _trying_ to make me jealous, aren't you?” 

**“What, you think I'd tell you that whole awesome story just to make you jealous of my relationship with Death?”**

“And to brag about your incredible skills, of course.” 

**“Hm. And are you impressed, Nate?”**

“Very.” 

**“Good. And guess what? I can't be with Death unless I'm dead or in one of those special magical places where the dead can sometimes walk among the living—like Osiris's temple, for instance—but I don't stay dead, and all those specific magical places would be really crappy places to live. ******

******“But _you_ , Nate—you're alive, and you have an awesome safe houses all over the world, the fourteenth of which is in Switzerland, so I'd say you have the advantage here. So, you don't have to compete with Death, Priscilla. ** ** **

******“Now, should I have to worry about competing with Domino?”** ** **

“No, Wade. You don't have to worry about that at all.” 

******“Good. Cuz I'm really, _really_ bad at sharing.” ** ** **


End file.
